So It Begins

Well, here I am. I am suspended over the chasm that divides apathy and intensity. I am caught up. I am being processed in a whirlwind of confusing emotions and logical paths that twine to and fro and twixt one another in the maze of psychological mess. In other words I have no idea what conclusions I have come to.

Every once in a while I need to descend into self-induced doubt concerning what I've seen, heard, and believed. It makes it all more real to me when I emerge finally, triumphant in my realization of some truth. But today I am fractured. Today my doubt threatens to break me.

I cannot lean one way or another, lest I lose my body to flames, lest I fall into a chasm of indeterminate size. I am torn. It is not always like this, but today I cannot yet fall into the ways of one belief or another. I cannot yet choose one structured mode of logic o'er another.

It is the way of things, that I should consider, reconsider, hypothesize, create, destroy - over and over again. It is the way I was made, the way I was born, even borne, and it is the way I will die. So I pray to any power that may be -

Please, I beg of you, do not judge me for thinking, for if thought, if reason, if searching for ultimate truth is sin, I want no part of you.