Logophobia

There are times when I am overcome with the overwhelming desire to be overshadowed. I feel this sudden intense need for someone close by me for me to rely on in a physical way. Under normal circumstances I am aloof and reserved, and this is my natural state. I am under no illusions about how I normally am, nor do I wish to change that. It is not despite this but because of it that I am so perturbed by these strange mood swings that do so afflict me. It is a strange desire indeed, that which demands a roaring fire, a cup of tea, and someone to throw my arm around as we gaze across the soft carpet into the laughing flames. Perhaps it is a disillusionment - perhaps my cynical nature is the gauze in which I wrap my inner child. I am disinclined to hold with this argument.

Now that I think about it, when was the last time I felt or gave physical affection any stronger than a handshake? It's downright boggling - the few times that I have been the receiver of those awkward hugs given by higgly-giggly extroverts with their easy sociality and their innate need to burst the space bubbles set up around those of us who tend towards the other extreme I have not allowed myself to feel that closeness. If anything I create more internal social tension at that precise moment simply to help distance myself from the person who has cumbersomely entangled me with their bawdy appendages. This may be why I tend to hold such a low regard for these people - they have forced me to distance them emotionally because they refused to be distanced physically.

This is not to say I do not appreciate or desire physical affection. I enjoy a casual hug between close friends, and, although it may seem hilarious to you, I even find myself allowing a friend to walk very close to me - five or six inches at least. The reason it is so distressing for me to be shown this affection by new relations is just that - they are indeed new relations. I feel attacked and bombarded when these zealous socialites force themselves on me. Indeed, it feels akin to emotional rape.

Do I connect palpable attachment too much to emotional security? Certainly not, indeed I would asseverate that my community as a whole is in denial about the issue of casual affection. And yes, it is an issue. It is an issue that two people who love one another can be tortured simply being in the other's presence, while two others can hate themselves, and compensate with affection from their opponent. Self control I believe is key, but other factors may come into play.

In the end I can only be full of joy that I have friends who believe these things as well, and hope that I will gain more like them.